In Search of Real Christianity...

So, here I am, an employee of a mega church. I am a graphic designer for a big southern evangelical church. I am a fluff maker. I make pretty bulletins and brochures and logos. I help create the cute "christainese" stuff that I am learning to despise. I used to run the drama ministry. Oh, how cool and relevant I thought I could make the gospel.

I actually have been lost in a sea of futile works for years. I have believed the lie that busyness equals proof that I am a dedicated follower of Christ. All the while, my marriage has been tough and I have had a secret addiction to cigarettes that I am still leaning on.

I recently had a baby that I adore. I didn't smoke while I was pregnant, but I took it back up and I don't understand why I can be so careless with my own life. I used to have suicidal thoughts long ago. Maybe self-destruction is still in the back of my mind. I hate my weakness.

I am one of those who starts a diet and the forgets that she is on it by lunch. Why am I so wishy-washy? Why don't my "beliefs"match my actions.

Perhaps they aren't really beliefs at all. Maybe they are simply thoughts and good ideas.

Something from the movie Facing the Giants stuck with me.

"Our actions follow our beliefs"

What do I believe?

I obviously don't believe that smoking will kill me or that exercise will make me healthier or that eating less will shrink my waist. If I believed these things I think I would "motion into" them.

I need to get my thinking straight and this is the purpose of this blog.

I am living my life in a dichotomy of what I know and what I do.

First of all... I need a fresh visitation of the Holy Spirit. There is nothing like Him to straighten out my kinks.

Secondly, I need to get into my mind that following Christ does not mean what the American church tells us--- it is much deeper and expensive.

Thirdly... I need to beg God's mercy on my mistakes and beg for clear leading of the Spirit. I am a fool and therefore totally needful of Him.

I will be reading, writing, and spewing my thoughts as I work through my issues. You are welcome to visit and tag along.